High standards: an archived Project Mindset post, originally published in 2022. Dates and roles reflect the original publication.
65. Zero expectations, high standards: a formula for happiness
The formula “Happiness = reality minus expectations” helps explain why high expectations can lead to disappointment. Reza Mehman distinguishes expectations of other people from the standards we set for our own conduct and relationships. From New Year’s Eve to partnerships and work, this distinction offers a practical change of perspective.
Summary
In one sentence: Having no expectations of others while holding yourself and your relationships to high standards can support lasting contentment.
Short summary: Reza explains happiness as reality minus expectations. He distinguishes expectations from standards. Expectations can be reduced to zero, while standards are developed through our own contribution and define our approach to relationships, work and communication.
Detailed summary: Should we really go through life without expectations? High expectations increase the potential for disappointment. Standards are a different matter. They concern our values, respectful communication, loyalty and what we contribute ourselves. Zero expectations alongside high personal standards can therefore bring greater peace of mind.
Context
Project Mindset host Reza Mehman shares his perspective on happiness and personal responsibility. Many disappointments arise when expectations of others are confused with personal standards. The episode asks what the happiness formula means, how expectations differ from standards, and how to apply both ideas to relationships, communication and work.
Contents
Introduction · Summary · Context · Themes · Takeaways · Questions · Quotes · Complete transcript · Keywords · Names and terms · Shareable passage
Themes
The happiness formula
“Happiness = reality minus expectations” underlies the episode. An overhyped New Year’s Eve illustrates the risk of disappointment. Keywords: happiness formula, managing expectations, avoiding disappointment.
Expectations versus standards
Expectations look outward towards things we cannot control. Standards concern our own values and conduct. Keywords: self-determination, personal values.
Relationships and communication
No expectations of a partner can coexist with a commitment to respectful discussion without shouting. Keywords: partnership, respectful communication, relationship mindset.
Work and career
We cannot guarantee a promotion, but we can commit to giving our best. Keywords: career mindset, promotion, responsibility.
Friendship and loyalty
Loyal friendships require our own energy and investment, rather than passive expectations. Keywords: loyalty, friendships, social relationships.
Key takeaways
- Higher expectations create more potential for disappointment.
- Expectations and standards are different concepts.
- Others’ behaviour is outside our control; our own conduct is not.
- Standards and claims can involve contributions we have made.
- A relationship can have respectful communication as a clear standard.
- At work, focus on your contribution rather than expecting promotion.
- Loyalty requires investment in friendships.
- Low expectations can help us remain at peace when things develop differently.
- Standards include communicating what matters to us.
- Zero expectations mean acceptance, rather than indifference.
Frequently asked questions
What is the happiness formula?
Happiness equals reality minus expectations. The higher our expectations of a person or event, the more easily reality can disappoint. Lower expectations leave more room for pleasant surprises.
How do expectations differ from standards?
Expectations concern other people and circumstances; standards concern our own conduct and values. Standards involve action and investment, while expectations can remain passive or unrealistic.
Why can high expectations disappoint?
We cannot control people or events. A gap between what we imagined and what happens can reduce our satisfaction.
How can a partnership work without expectations?
By making the desired quality of the relationship clear, such as respectful communication without shouting, while accepting that we cannot control a partner’s thoughts or actions.
Does zero expectation mean indifference?
No. It combines acceptance of what we cannot control with high standards for our preparation, communication and behaviour.
How does this apply to work?
We do not know everything happening behind the scenes or whether promotion is financially possible. We can still commit to giving 100 per cent.
How do loyal friendships develop?
Through our own loyalty, energy and communication about what matters, while accepting that the friendship may develop differently.
What is a simple example?
Expecting a perfect New Year’s Eve may disappoint. Preparing well and making the best of the evening are standards we can act on ourselves.
Highlight quotes
“Happiness equals reality minus expectations. The higher my expectations, the more likely I am to be disappointed.”
“I think we should have zero expectations of partners, friends, family and relatives.”
“Standards are something we work to establish in some form.”
“I expect nothing from my partner. That does not mean I have no standards for how the relationship should work.”
“My standard is clear: when we communicate, neither of us shouts or screams.”
“I cannot expect my employer simply to promote me. But my standard is to give 100 per cent at work.”
“If things turn out differently, I am still happy and carry on living my life.”
“There is a difference between expectations and standards.” — Reza Mehman
The complete episode transcript
It usually comes down to that lovely happiness formula: happiness equals reality minus expectations. The higher my expectations, the more likely I am to be disappointed, and the more my own happiness suffers. Many of you have probably experienced something similar. You put a lot of preparation into an evening. New Year’s Eve is a classic example. You buy tickets to an event, look forward to dinner, buy special clothes and meet lots of friends.
But it is not quite as wonderful as you imagined or expected. That usually comes down to the happiness formula: happiness equals reality minus expectations. Higher expectations make disappointment more likely and can affect our happiness. Some people have asked me: should I go through life with no expectations at all? I think we need to distinguish two terms.
On one side there are expectations. I really do think we should have zero expectations, whether of a partner, friends, family, relatives or work. Separate from that are standards or claims. I think these are something we establish through our own contribution. I am not trying to give a legal definition, but in another context we might speak of pension entitlements.
Distinguishing standards from our own contribution
You have paid in beforehand, and later receive something back from what you contributed. Or take child benefit: in this example, the entitlement comes after having children. That is why I see a huge difference between expecting nothing from New Year’s Eve and having a standard for preparing well for it.
An even better example is a relationship. I fundamentally expect nothing from my partner. That does not mean I have no standards for how the relationship should work. My standard is clear: when we communicate, we do not raise our voices. Nobody shouts or screams. We can discuss things without getting loud. My expectation is zero. I do not know, and cannot control, what she thinks, how she thinks or what she is trying to achieve.
But my standard is that the way we communicate should be civil. We do not shout at each other; we treat each other respectfully. That is the big difference for me. I have zero expectations of everything around me, but my standard might be preparing as well as I can or behaving in the way I believe is right. At work, for example, I cannot expect my employer simply to promote me.
Setting your own standard at work
I have no idea what is happening behind the scenes, whether there are financial problems or whether a promotion is financially possible at all. But my standard is to give 100 per cent at work. The same applies to how I treat my friends. My standard is to have loyal friends in my circle. That also means putting energy into those relationships so loyalty can develop in the first place.
Even so, and this may sound a little strange, my expectations still tend towards zero. If someone behaves differently from how I had imagined or hoped, I am not disappointed that it happened. I know I had a standard for communicating what mattered to me and what did not. If things turn out differently, I am still happy and carry on living my life. That is a very short Project Mindset episode today.
I wanted to communicate this distinction: expectations and standards are different. I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. If so, please leave a like and subscribe, because that is how Project Mindset can continue to grow. I hope to see you again soon. Until then, remember: mindset is everything.
The source transcript was generated automatically with Whisper AI and may contain occasional errors.
Keywords
Happiness formula, expectations, standards, contentment, mindset, relationships, communication, disappointment, personal responsibility, personal development, zero expectations, loyalty, career, Project Mindset, Reza Mehman.
Names and terms
Reza Mehman, Project Mindset, happiness formula, zero expectations, managing expectations, standards, New Year’s Eve, partnership, communication, loyalty, promotion, pension entitlements, child benefit, friendship and personal development.
A passage to share
The happiness formula is happiness equals reality minus expectations. Higher expectations create more potential for disappointment, because we cannot control people or events. Standards concern our own attitude, preparation and values. Zero expectations of others alongside high standards for ourselves can support lasting happiness.
More in the Project Mindset archive (German) and the Reza Mehman Podcast.
