78. Shame about your origins?! When you feel uncomfortable about your own origins and how to overcome these feelings!

Kawa, I once heard you mention in another context that you called it “shame about one’s origins” for a while. I found that very interesting. On the one hand, and on the other hand, of course, a little sad. I think some of the listeners can definitely relate to the feeling of not being entirely comfortable saying where you come from. So, my question is, how did you overcome this shame about your origins, and what advice can you give to all the listeners on how they can overcome it?

Yes, well, in fact, I told many people at the beginning that I wasn’t from Afghanistan, but from Colombia, because that was before the Taliban. But then, in 1996, there were Taliban. Afghanistan never had such a terrible reputation. And when you’re here as a refugee without parents, with a background like that and hardly any sense of Sylt, no awareness of Sylt, you don’t want to be reduced to just an economic migrant and have the Taliban prejudices you had, especially when you’re being judged, even though I’ve never seen a Taliban member in my life.

To avoid these discussions, I simply said I was from Colombia. I chose Colombia because I hoped I wouldn’t accidentally meet another Colombian and then have to explain where in Colombia I was from, etc. Once, though, my story was challenged. I was working at the Vodafone store, and there was a Colombian there, so I had to make up the story. And that all disappeared once I arrived, and also once I had finished my studies to the point where I could admit that it was no longer something that defined me.

A conversation about one’s own origins

Perhaps you remember this excerpt from the podcast with Kawa Yunusi. I had the opportunity to have a short conversation with him earlier this year, as well as with Dr. Daniel Bayers. It was a very interesting conversation for me, and in this context, because Kawa had also mentioned it in another podcast, I started looking into the topic of shame related to one’s origins. I had asked Kawa how this actually came about and how one can overcome it. However, I think that many people with a migration background probably struggle with similar challenges.

They have similar thoughts, that they’re not entirely comfortable or at all right to talk about their origins. And I find that sad, perhaps even embarrassing, about where they come from. I can remember conversations or brief chats from my youth, where I also spoke with friends who weren’t entirely comfortable talking about where they actually came from. And today’s podcast episode is precisely for such people, because I want to convey a completely different message today.

It’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of where you come from. In fact, I have a very specific opinion on the matter. But before I get to that, as luck would have it, I saw a short LinkedIn post in my timeline a few days ago that I found incredibly interesting, and which also saddened me, because it dealt with the same topic of shame about one’s origins. Let me briefly read what the person posted. They wrote that I was ashamed of my Chinese roots.

If you just want to belong

And then it goes on, but I often hear, “Why? Chinese culture is so beautiful, it’s such a beautiful country.” Then it continues, and I actually don’t have a real reason. I just always wanted to be German. To look German, to behave German, to speak German, whatever that means. And here, too, I was genuinely saddened that people—I mean, they don’t necessarily have to be proud of where they come from—but that they feel embarrassed or even a bit ashamed about it, that really saddens me.

I think that especially if you’re, for example, a second-generation immigrant here—meaning your parents moved here many years ago, for instance—and mustered the courage to break free from their daily lives, leaving behind friends, family, jobs, and so on, to go to another country and build a new home for themselves. And I think that requires a great deal of courage and a great willingness to take risks. And it also demonstrates a great deal of intelligence, I’d say, to say, “Hey, I’m leaving my current place to have a better future for my children and myself.”

Appreciating the achievements of the parent generation

That means, of course, that the children of the second generation might have a kind of shame about their origins. Yes, that’s sad. It doesn’t quite do justice to what the parents, for example, intended when they moved here. I can only really offer this advice: on the contrary, before feelings of embarrassment or shame arise, think about how much courage it actually took for the parents, or if you yourself left your country to start a new life.

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How much courage it actually takes to do that. I mean, even though it was many years ago, back then there was no Google where you could quickly look up a route, book flights, and so on. It was pure stress to get from one country to another. And it’s really, I’d say, a pretty daring undertaking that the parents of our generation undertook. And that shouldn’t be embarrassing at all. You’re not the country you come from here.

So, I’ve always said it, I absolutely love watching the World Cup in football. I’m always a huge Germany fan and I’m there for every match. Of course, I’m happy when Germany wins, becomes world champion, and so on. But ultimately, it’s the eleven players on the pitch who win, not the whole country. Of course, the country has provided the infrastructure so they can train and so forth.

Origin and personal responsibility differ

But ultimately, those eleven people there were the winners. And you really have to keep that distance in mind. If I come from a country that doesn’t have a very good international reputation, well, I’m not the country. I might have the culture of that country. I might have the appearance of a typical native. But I’m not the country. For me, it’s like this: I’m proud of where I come from. But I’m just as proud of the country where I am now. On my social media channels, you can check them out; I also write, I think in almost every bio, “born in Iran, made in Germany.”

I don’t say this without reason. I’m proud of the cultural traits I carry with me. But I’m equally proud of the new things I’ve learned here and brought with me. I’m proud, for example, that politeness and friendliness are extremely important in our culture. I’m also happy that I get to learn here what diligence and hard work mean. These are things I naturally want to pass on to my children. And I try to give them the best of both worlds.

Give children an open mind

Of course, I will tell my children someday—and this shouldn’t be embarrassing—where I come from, for example, or where my children’s origins are. Quite the opposite, in fact; if you come from another country, you can usually speak another language as well. And that’s something I never understood back then. I can still remember a few conversations from my youth. Friends told me they were incredibly embarrassed that my parents didn’t speak German very well, or only spoke broken German.

And I think, and I still think, that if someone speaks broken German, it probably means they have a perfect command of at least one native language. So just because they don’t speak another language very well doesn’t mean they’re incompetent or anything like that. It simply means they can speak at least one other language at a native speaker level. That’s why I’ve always said it shouldn’t be embarrassing at all. I wouldn’t act that way at all.

What I’ve also noticed in this context is that many people who, for example, have a kind of shame and say, “Yes, I’m a little uncomfortable about where I come from,” also exhibit a kind of over-conformity to the new culture. They want to be extremely German, to adapt extremely. That’s all well and good. But I think they’re trying to balance something that was previously out of balance. I think it’s perfectly fine, or even more than right, that they integrate wonderfully into the new society.

Adaptation and own identity

But here and there I’ve also noticed a kind of over-conformity, which I think isn’t healthy, at least not for one’s own mindset. However, I do have one small caveat I’d like to share today. Especially for people who have truly traumatic experiences in their country of origin and therefore, for example, have an extremely high level of shame or something along those lines, I can definitely understand it to some extent. That they might say, “Hey, I don’t want to identify with that country at all anymore.”

Some terrible things happened. Of course, I’m leaving that aside. Those are things that are traumatic, that are awful. You can’t even judge them. For me, today was about the cases where people haven’t had such terrible experiences, but simply that it’s unpleasant which country they come from, because that country might be portrayed negatively in the press, and that they then say, “That’s really uncomfortable for me, I don’t want to identify with that at all.”

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I believe, and we’ve discussed this quite a few times in a podcast, that the topic of identity is extremely important. Anyone who doesn’t confront it will likely find themselves caught up with by it eventually, and it will make them incredibly unhappy that they’ve shied away from certain issues for so many years, closed their eyes to them, and not given them any thought. My motto is: better to address it early enough, better early enough, for example, with my children. I explain to them quite often, “Hey, we’re originally Iranian, but we’re here in Germany.”

That means we are, first and foremost, German. This also means that we naturally embrace, accept, and internalize the cultural customs here because we have chosen to learn here. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with saying, “Yes, but look, your parents, your grandparents, your great-grandparents, they come from Iran, where there are different customs, and we take the best from that world, combine it with this world, and we can only benefit from that.”

Letting go of emotional baggage

Alright everyone, today’s podcast episode is dedicated to all of you who might be feeling a bit ashamed of your origins and have ever considered how uncomfortable it might be to know where you come from. With today’s episode, I simply wanted to tell you: let go of that. It’s emotional baggage you don’t need. Instead, focus on the here and now. Explore your identity, because that’s the only way you can shed this burden and work on your own mindset.

Thank you so much for listening. Until next time, and don’t forget, mindset is everything.