Episode 127: What Other People Think of You Is None of Your Business

Hi everyone, and welcome to Project Mindset, the channel for everyone who knows that with the right mindset, anything is possible. Recently, I was out with a friend. We went shopping first and bought a bottle of wine. We were on our way to another friend’s place. I paid for the wine at the checkout. My friend picked up the bottle and carried it for a little while. At some point on the way, he asked: “Could you do me a favour and carry the wine bottle yourself?”

I said: “Yes, no problem, but why?” He could see I was already holding something else. He said he felt a little uncomfortable walking down the street with a bottle of wine. Other people might think he had a drinking problem or regularly drank wine. Those were his thoughts. I found that really interesting and said: “But does it really matter what people think about you when they do not know you and might see you for only two seconds?” I do not even know whether anyone would bother thinking about whether a person carrying a wine bottle is an alcoholic.

An everyday example of fearing judgement

He still felt uncomfortable. He even told me he did not like walking around with shopping bags, though for other reasons. I thought that, in that moment, my friend had taken worrying about others’ opinions to a whole new level. I am affected by it sometimes too. Of course, I occasionally wonder what people will think when I start a new project or try something new. I remember having those thoughts when I started the podcast.

What will my family think of me? What will my friends think? I believe these are normal thoughts we all have now and then. But with my friend, I could see they had taken over. It was not only the wine bottle, but other areas too: how I come across to others, my public image, what others think of me. Interestingly, I sometimes receive messages from you saying that you also think, or often worry, about other people’s opinions.

Perhaps because you are changing jobs, or because you wonder what your wife or husband thinks of you. There have been all sorts of subjects. I find it very interesting, and my thoughts are relatively simple. I think that, in some way, everyone is trained from childhood to consider what others think. It probably starts at school. I remember clothes being a big issue.

Expectations at school and work

Which shoes you wore, whether they were Nike or a recognised brand. It did not stop at school; it continued into working life. Of course, I understand wondering what your boss thinks: you are assessed at work, after all. What do your colleagues think? How should you behave at the Christmas party? Another popular subject. These are individual moments throughout life when the message is drilled into us.

Somehow, what the public or the people around us think matters. I believe there is something very old within us behind that too. In the past, for example, fitting into your tribe and belonging mattered. You avoided doing things that might get you cast out. I think that is part of it. But I do not want to explore that today. I want to talk about what we can do to free ourselves from constantly asking what others think of us.

Reza’s own experiences with self-doubt

I do want to say that I catch myself doing it too: wondering what my family will think if I do this or that. My most recent example is an event I held again, Dinner im Schloss, in April this year. It was a huge event and a wonderful experience. Now and then, I wondered what people thought because it was so public. There was a press release and lots of posts on LinkedIn and Instagram.

I caught myself thinking about other people’s opinions instead of focusing on the work itself. That brings us to the first negative effect. If I am thinking about what others think of me, I am not focusing on what is in front of me. Take this podcast: I am recording an episode and need to concentrate fully. As soon as I start wondering what an old school friend, a university friend or my family thinks of me, my attention moves elsewhere.

The cost to attention and energy

Once I do that, I no longer have the attention to do the task in front of me really well. In many areas, that matters a great deal. I admit it is not so important in the wine-bottle example from the beginning. But it still distracts us from what is in front of us and what matters at that moment. My friend could have been having a wonderful conversation with me instead.

We could have reconnected after not seeing each other for a long time and simply enjoyed being together. Somehow, thinking about others’ opinions became more important. I find that expenditure of energy quite striking. I remind myself of it when I catch myself wondering: “What does my family think about what I am doing?” That expenditure of energy is completely pointless, to be honest, and it could be invested better.

There is also a second point: if you constantly think about others’ opinions, you do not dare to start anything new or do something differently. For example, imagine that before starting the podcast a few years ago, my main concern had been how people would react to me speaking into a microphone or recording a YouTube video. That would definitely have stopped me doing things I really wanted to do.

A job change and other people’s views

Let me relate that to a message I received from a podcast listener some time ago. It concerned changing jobs: moving from a fairly good, well-paid job to a less well-paid one that the person would enjoy. The question was: “I am sure everyone will think I have lost the plot, taking a job that looks less well paid from the outside and giving up my great position.”

That thought stopped the person making what might have been the right decision and becoming happier at work. They were very unhappy in the old role and would probably have been happier in the new one. The third point I try to keep in mind is the effect of a negative bias. If you constantly have negative thoughts about others’ opinions, that affects the energy you project. It affects others too. If I appear insecure, people perceive me as insecure, and that gets reflected back to me.

Insecurity and how it comes across

It becomes a kind of vicious circle and makes things worse. If I lack confidence and think, “I am about to go on stage — what will everyone think of me?”, the audience, listener or whoever is opposite me can sense it. That response is then reflected back. So what techniques can help us break free? There is a saying I love: “What other people think of you is none of your business”, which I associate with Regina Brett.

I love that saying. It frees me in situations where I again start wondering what others think. Perhaps I am starting something new or standing on stage at an event in a castle, speaking to an audience. The fact is, their thoughts are not really my business, and I cannot read minds anyway. Everyone has their own perspective, shaped by the experiences they have had.

Why people interpret situations differently

Returning to the example at the beginning: if someone sees a wine bottle in another person’s hand, their response probably depends on their own experiences. If they grew up somewhere alcohol was a problem, seeing someone with a bottle may remind them of those problems. For other people, a bottle of wine suggests relaxation, meeting friends and enjoying a nice glass together.

It really depends on what someone has experienced in life. From my perspective, that is not my business. The saying is incredibly freeing because it reminds me that everyone has a different view of things. Something I see as completely normal might seem very strange to someone else, just like the wine example. Another thought I repeatedly remind myself of, and have mentioned on the podcast before, relates to Marcus Aurelius and goes in the direction of negative bias.

Redirecting negative thoughts

Of course, if I constantly worry about what others think, or worry in other contexts, I experience less happiness. I become occupied with negative thoughts. I project that too and receive negativity in return. That is another reason for me to let go of this concern and pay attention to the thoughts I have.

When those thoughts arise, I say: “Okay, I will take charge of this now and turn it into something positive.” My strongest argument — something I have mentioned here before — is one I remind myself of whenever I record an Instagram video or Story while I am out. If you follow me on Instagram, you know I sometimes comment on things while travelling, attending an event or doing sport.

Overcoming hesitation in front of the camera

I simply take out my phone, regardless of who is there, and speak to the camera about where I am and what I am doing. I admit the first few times felt very strange in a large crowd. But now I have this argument: perhaps when I take out my phone and record myself, someone looks at me oddly for two seconds and thinks: “Who is this guy, just taking out his camera like that?”

After two seconds, it does not matter anymore. The person has forgotten me. We will probably never meet again. So why should I spend any time worrying about it? What counts at the end of the day is what I think of myself. I am naturally prouder of myself for having done something: taking out my phone and speaking to the camera, making a podcast or whatever the equivalent might be for you.

Taking pride in your own step forward

You feel prouder when you have done something and worked through that supposed pain of wondering what others might think. You did what you wanted anyway, regardless of their opinions. That makes you much happier than constantly wondering what will happen if you start a new hobby, change jobs or change partners. I think that last point is a big reason why many people stay together: they worry about what the people around them would think.

This is not a call to immediately change your partner. I think concern about friends and social circles can stop people leaving an unhappy relationship. You may have friendships that exist only as a couple, and so on. I believe this holds many people back from separating. But I think we should loosen that hold. We only have one life. We can live it as we want, or as other people want us to.

After so many podcast episodes, I think you know my opinion. I strongly believe in pursuing your own path regardless of others’ opinions. At the end of the day, what counts is how you think about yourself. Great, everyone — another short mindset episode. I hope you enjoyed it. If you did, please leave a like on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, or a short review, because that is how Project Mindset can keep growing.

Closing the episode

Thank you for listening. We will speak again soon. Until then, do not forget: mindset is everything.