61. Learn to be quick-witted and respond with confidence

Everyone’s probably been in a situation where someone insults you, and you might not have reacted very well in the moment, or perhaps didn’t react at all. Afterwards, you’re annoyed that you weren’t more quick-witted. And that’s exactly what I want to talk about today: how to become more quick-witted, or rather, in which situations it’s even important to be quick-witted. In one of the recent podcast episodes, I described a situation where someone was, let’s say, quite rude, and I was fortunate enough to respond with a witty remark.

Then an acquaintance of mine asked me how one actually becomes more quick-witted. That was a very interesting question for me. I hadn’t really given the term much thought, but it was relatively clear to me that quick-wittedness has a certain underlying aggressiveness. Why do I think that? The very word “wit” implies a kind of aggression. Not that you’re actually lashing out, but simply that you might have a slight tendency towards aggression in that moment and can react accordingly.

Respond immediately and appropriately

I find it very interesting that it’s already contained within this word umbrella. And also when you look at a definition. The shortest and best definition for me was the ability to react immediately and appropriately. Now, of course, the question is, what kind of situation are we in? Are we in a situation? And I personally distinguish between perhaps three types of situations. There are certainly more, but for me, these three basic types are relevant. In a situation, for example, where my counterpart maliciously or intentionally wants to hurt me in some way, perhaps even discourage or belittle me, maybe even in front of a group.

And that’s obviously very malicious. And I naturally assume there are malicious intentions behind it. Then there’s a second situation, which perhaps also occurs occasionally, where it’s not meant maliciously at all when someone teases or rubs salt in the wound. For example, because it’s a joke, because it fits the moment. And of course, it shouldn’t be bullying. But sometimes a joke just fits quite well. I think you understand what I mean. Then there’s a third situation where someone simply reacts or says something very rudely or very clumsily.

Assessing the other person’s intentions

Here, unlike in the first case, I’m not assuming malicious intent. Rather, some people are simply a bit more cheeky by nature, perhaps a bit more blunt, and might ask things directly that they perhaps shouldn’t. I’ll come back to an example later. Nevertheless, the question remains: how does one become more quick-witted, or what should one keep in mind if one wants to be quick-witted? I think that’s incredibly difficult to answer.

I’ve also seen a lot of advice online. Yes, you have to be brave, you have to have a few comebacks ready, or even memorize them. I think it’s incredibly difficult to remember a comeback in the moment, one that you’re supposed to say as a matter of principle. It’s also very situation-dependent. Let me go through some different examples or situations. Maybe one particularly nasty one and one that isn’t so nasty. Then we can see if we can find some kind of methodology behind it or not.

Let’s say someone comes along and wants to tear me down in front of everyone, to put me down, to make themselves look better. And I have a very interesting example of this. A while ago, I was in the office and needed a presentation from one of my colleagues, and I knew he had it. I needed it myself, as I had to give a presentation, and I thought I could save time and effort by asking my colleague if he could just send me a few slides.

An example from everyday work life

I then searched and found him right in front of the coffee machine. My request was, “Hey, could you please send me the relevant presentation? I have a presentation coming up in a few days, and it would be great if I could reuse some of it.” A very simple question, and normally you’d expect, “Sure, why not?” But it turned out differently. My colleague was making coffee, at the machine, about to press the button, and said to me, “The rest of the team was on their break, and they were there at lunchtime and told me, ‘Nope, that’s not possible.'”

And I thought, okay, why not? And he said, yeah, I don’t have time. Then I told him—and I think my acquaintance referenced me here—that I reacted quickly, and I said directly, hey, you’re at the coffee machine making yourself a coffee, so you’ll probably have a little time to send me the presentation. His reply was again: no, I can’t. Then I addressed him more directly, hey, we’re both being paid for our time right now, and I really expect you to send me this presentation, otherwise we might have a problem.

Continued

To make a long story short, the situation was resolved a little later, but it was clear to me—because he’d made it quite clear—that he wanted to demonstrate his power. Perhaps he genuinely didn’t have time, but then he could have said, “Hey, listen, I really don’t have time. I hope you’ll excuse me. I’ll get back to you in two hours tomorrow, or when do you need it by?” But to me, it was clear at that moment that he simply wanted to demonstrate the power he currently held.

Here, I’m obviously assuming malicious intent, and it’s important to have a kind of underlying aggression. Not necessarily lashing out, but a basic aggression that says, “Hey, that’s not how it works, buddy, we don’t do that here.” This is the very reason we’re here in the first place, since we’re both essentially running in the same direction. Why are you reacting like this? There’s the second scenario I explained earlier, where someone might not have malicious intent at all, but is just making a good joke. In that case, I react accordingly, if it really was a good joke, and that’s what I expect from everyone. You can certainly laugh at yourself, I do too, and I don’t necessarily have to fire back immediately if it was a good joke.

Pay attention to the situation and your own mood

So, it definitely depends on my mood that day, whether I’m feeling… I have two kids, sometimes you’re in cuddle mode as a dad and maybe you’re not so aggressive then. Then, of course, if I’m at basketball and someone makes a stupid comment, then of course I’ll say something back. So it really depends on the situation. Hey, what was that supposed to mean? It was a joke, and next time I’ll make the joke and everything will be fine. Then the third case, which I find very interesting, is that there are people who very bluntly and very directly ask, for example, something that’s really none of their business.

For example, a while ago I had a situation where someone asked me, “How much does your terraced house cost?” I didn’t know the person at all. I walked up to them and said, “Hey, why do you want to know?” “Just out of curiosity,” they replied. “I’m thinking of buying one in this area.” I said, “Yeah, but we don’t know each other, so I don’t really want to answer.” Interestingly, I live in a terraced housing estate, and another day, someone came by and saw me in my garden. They were doing some gardening and asked me, “Hey, I’m planning to buy a terraced house here soon. Could I come in and have a look around, see what the layout is like?”

Set boundaries when asking direct questions

And then I thought to myself, wow, another really direct question, and normally, I’m a friendly guy, so with friends I would of course say, yes, gladly, but if I don’t know someone, then of course I say, no, that’s not possible. And the interesting thing is, I’ve also gotten into the habit that the moment I realize someone is just very direct and maybe even cheeky—and you wouldn’t normally ask that—they usually handle such cheeky answers just fine if you’re so blunt, then I just say, no, I won’t do that, I don’t want to, why?

No, because I simply don’t want to. And those are the kinds of situations that interest me, where, depending on where you are in the situation, it’s either malicious, not so malicious, or the other person is just being rude. Depending on the situation, I try to react accordingly. It’s incredibly difficult, as I said before, to simply learn certain comebacks. I think you just have to be aware that you need to assess the situation, and many people—and I can understand this—aren’t able to react well at first. I’m sometimes like that myself, because I’m simply surprised that something like that even happens.

Understanding the element of surprise

I’m genuinely surprised, and then you’re left wondering, “Why is the other person reacting like that?” I asked or said something perfectly normal, and of course, they take advantage of that element of surprise. But when you assess the situation, it’s clear there are malicious intentions, and I either take a step back or push back a little and say, “Hey, listen up, buddy, that’s not how we do things here.”

Accordingly, the other person is sometimes surprised by the reaction. So, guys, I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. As always, if you took anything away from it, if anything really resonated with you, then I would be very grateful if you could leave a like and subscribe to my channel. And I hope to see you again soon. Until then, don’t forget, mindset is everything.