47. “One cannot not communicate.” Why communication isn’t so simple after all.

Hi everyone and welcome to Project Mindset. This channel is for all those who know that with the right mindset, anything is possible in life. Today’s topic is communication. It’s a super exciting and interesting subject, because throughout my life I’ve repeatedly learned, or rather, been completely amazed by, something that even if you’ve known someone for years—whether you’re related, in-laws, friends, business partners, parents, siblings, it doesn’t matter—even after years of knowing each other, it still happens that you simply don’t understand each other.

It’s like talking past each other, maybe you’re not communicating properly or you’re communicating incorrectly. But it happens again and again. It’s not a valid solution to simply say that you’ve been friends for years and therefore understand each other perfectly. I’ve seen it time and time again. There are days, there are moments when you’re having a discussion with someone, for example, or you want to explain something to someone. You just don’t understand each other at all.

The other person interprets something different from what I actually intended to communicate. For example, I had a very interesting experience in the business world. In my last startup, I had a co-founder who’s now a pretty good friend of mine, and when we first met, we started developing apps together. It was going really well, we made good progress, and yet, every now and then, we still communicated with each other.

A misunderstanding during product development

For example, I said, “Hey, in the next app version, I want to include this and that product feature.” He got to work on it, and then after two or three days, he came back and the feature wasn’t at all what I had envisioned. And even though we’d already developed several apps together and knew each other quite well by then, it still happened time and again that we talked past each other..

I’ve had a similar situation with clients I was supporting in a service, for example app development. I noticed that you communicate something, you think you’ve actually determined it’s the highest priority in the project, and then at the next meeting it turns out, no, that’s not what he actually meant at all, and something else is now the priority. I couldn’t prove, so to speak, that he said something different. That’s when I realized, well, miscommunication really happens very often.

Why people who are close to each other talk past each other

I’m not sure if it’s just me or the other person, but there must be a proven way to fix it. It happens in my personal life too; it’s not just in business, it happens in private as well. My father, for example, has known me practically since I was born, and yet we sometimes talk about something and completely talk past each other. Only after two or three minutes of conversation do we realize, “Hmm, actually, the other person meant something else.” Or even days later, I realize, “No, wait a minute, I actually meant something else,” or “We were actually going to do this or that.” And yes, that’s the problem with communication.

You think it’s simple, and it should come across as simple as possible, but I believe it’s not as easy as it seems. Why do people talk past each other, why do they not understand each other, even though they’ve been with a partner for years, or are siblings, or even though they’re very good friends, or business partners, and so on? What could be the reason? From my perspective, there are probably countless reasons, as always, but what immediately stands out when I think about the many conversations I’ve had, and what I also read in an interesting article, is something called confirmation bias.

Confirmation bias in conversation

This means it describes our brain’s tendency to search for information and focus on details. Yes, details that confirm our existing ideas, or we think, “Hey, I know that from somewhere,” and “That’s exactly right, what the other person is saying.” And if you have this confirmation bias, then once you’ve found that confirmation, you no longer focus on the other details of the conversation. I find that incredibly interesting.

I think I’ve noticed this in myself too, that sometimes in conversations I look for confirmation of my existing knowledge, and then, when I see, “Ah, okay, yes, he thinks the same way about this point,” I don’t even consider other perspectives to understand, “Wait a minute, this additional information—in the end, it either fits with what I thought before or it contradicts what I thought.” There’s another very interesting concept called Selective Perception Bias, which is the tendency to ignore or quickly forget stimuli that make us feel uncomfortable or that, in some way, go against our grain.

Hide unpleasant information

This means, for example, we’re having a conversation and something comes up that we don’t particularly like, or that, well, let’s say, it makes us uncomfortable. And then it can happen that I just tune out. I don’t take in the rest of the information anymore, only the information that I feel comfortable with and agree with. But information that makes me feel uncomfortable, I completely block that out.

Continued

Then, of course, it’s possible that I completely miss the point of the conversation or what was discussed. Until next time. Exactly, there can be many other reasons, many good concepts. I don’t think it always has to be so complex. It can also happen that you were simply unfocused or that the sender of the message didn’t communicate something very clearly. For example, if I’m talking to someone, like the co-founder. I’ve told him, “Hey, I’d like to include this feature,” I might not have defined it very well.

I believe there are always some very good solutions to be found in the business world, which I’d like to briefly touch upon now. Specifically, what can be done about miscommunication, especially in the business world. This has become standard practice for me. I take meeting notes in almost every conversation. Basically, I jot down what was discussed, how decisions were made, and who is responsible for what and by when. It’s relatively simple and doesn’t need to be long prose. It’s enough to just write down a few points: “Hey, this was discussed, we ultimately decided on this. We also defined the action items, for example, ‘You’ll do this by such and such a date,’ and ‘I’ll do this by such and such a date.'”

Record agreements using meeting notes

And if it somehow comes up again in the next meeting, and then, “Wait a minute, what we’re discussing today wasn’t actually discussed last time. We had other priorities,” you can easily pull out these meeting notes and say, “Hey, we discussed that last time.” It’s also incredibly valuable when dealing with clients. Just a few days ago, a friend of mine told me he’s having extreme problems with a client who keeps wanting something new, who keeps saying, “No, I want the product designed differently,” and so on.

And he told me, yes, if you take meeting notes, you can tell him next time, “Wait a minute, we agreed on this, here’s the email or here’s my note that I sent you.” This was discussed, and if you want something different now, sure, we can talk about it, but as they say, for a change request, you have to submit an official request to me to see if we need to change the prioritization, but of course, I would have to be paid for that.

Make agreements clearer, even in private settings.

In a business context, I think something like that is relatively easy. In a personal context—and this might sound a bit nerdy—I went through a phase where I was constantly, well, not arguing with a very subordinate person. But I realized we were just talking past each other. Whenever I said something, the next time she’d say, “No, you said that differently,” and vice versa. If she said something, the next time I’d say, “No, wait a minute, I remember that differently.” And, yes, it’s a bit nerdy, so I suggested, “Hey, you know what? Let’s just write down what we discussed today, and then if it comes up again, we can pull out that piece of paper and talk about it.”

It was never actually the case that, after we wrote it down, the piece of paper was needed again. The advantage was that we knew exactly, “Hey, we’ve discussed this, we both agree, and then we can continue in this direction.” That is to say, even if it sounds a bit nerdy, even if it sounds a bit, well, let’s say, too meticulous, sometimes it simply helps to write things down together, even if it’s just one family member. “Hey, this is what we’re discussing. Do you see it the same way, do you see it differently, or would you like to make changes? Let’s agree that we’ll do it this way.”

Documenting a shared understanding in writing

As I said, it’s not about pulling out that piece of paper next time, but rather, if you’ve already signed it properly once, then both of you are in agreement, okay, let’s head in that direction. Another very good method that I find useful in conversations is, for example, when you’re discussing a topic with someone. You should of course let the other person finish speaking, but what really works wonders is if you say, okay, if I say something now, I’ll first repeat what you’ve said, and only if you agree that what I’ve said is correct, then I can make my point on that matter.

So, it’s clear that you first need a complete understanding of what the other person has said, and every time someone else wants to continue, they have to repeat what I said, essentially repeating it verbatim. I find that a very interesting concept. It actually leads to very active listening, and I think listening is extremely important. I believe I mentioned in another podcast that there are people who don’t really listen. If they do, it’s only in the sense that they’re preparing their response.

Repeat what you heard in your own words.

It’s not about understanding what the opponent is saying, but about connecting the concept of saying, “Okay, listen, I notice we’re not making any progress right now.” Therefore, if you say something, I’ll repeat it as soon as you’ve said it, and only then can I make my point. We do the same in reverse. If I’ve said something, please repeat it first to make sure she understood it correctly. I’ll confirm that, and then we’ll move on to the next point.

Continued

It sounds very nitpicky. But I don’t think it is, because most people think communication is super easy. I think it’s perfectly normal that everyone creates their own reality a little bit, that everyone listens a little differently. That everyone might lose focus now and then. That’s why I think communication shouldn’t be underestimated, but rather considered a passionate art form in its own right. If I really want to be sure that I’m communicating something correctly, then I have to pay attention to these details.

Alright guys, as always, a super short episode today. It was just important to me to make it clear that communication shouldn’t be taken lightly. We should strive for more binding communication so that we don’t end up arguing for nothing or discussing a topic for too long, constantly rehashing the same old issues. And I think binding communication can be extremely helpful in this regard. There’s also a really interesting quote in this context.

I’d already mentioned this before, but I think it fits again here: the quote is, “You cannot not communicate.” That means even if you say nothing, that’s already a kind of response. So always remember, in the presence of other people, you can’t really not communicate, you can’t not communicate. Great, I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. If so, then as always, I’d appreciate it if you left me a review and told your friends about it, because that’s the only way the channel can continue to grow.

I’m already looking forward to the next episode. Have a great day until then, and don’t forget, my Z is everything.