119. Storytime: Three perspectives that will change your life! On blame, goals, and feelings.

Hi everyone and welcome to Project Mindset, the channel for all those who know that with the right mindset, anything is possible. It’s great to have you with me again today. I have a little storytime to share from my life. Three small moments that I truly feel completely changed my way of thinking about certain perspectives in my life. I’d like to talk about these three moments today. Before I do, I’d like to share a story from my early days.

I also had to spend those days with my little one; we were in a special situation where we had a little test of strength. And I remember the day when I was arm-wrestling with my father—this was many years ago, I was a teenager—we used to do it regularly, the kind of thing you typically do when you want to test your strength with your dad. And then one day, I actually realized, wow. I could actually beat him now, after years of losing by a huge margin at arm-wrestling. That was the moment when it hit me.

Yeah, crazy. Kind of. Like, if I keep pushing, I’ll beat my dad. And the moment that really hit me, I let him win, I’ve never told him that. So if he’s listening to this podcast, he’ll probably laugh, I let him win, and I never had another arm-wrestling match against him after that. And funnily enough, I was recently thinking about the time I had a little competition like that with my little one.

Three defining moments in one’s own life

So, my little one, if you happen to be listening to this podcast and feel like you could beat me at arm wrestling, please let me win and let me have my fun. Great, actually, today’s topic is three completely different moments from my life. And I was recently reminded, while journaling, just how memorable and important these moments were for me. And I really want to share them with you today. I’d argue that they’ve made me much more mature.

So, I’m absolutely convinced that’s how it was. There was a moment, sometime after my studies, when I’d already had a couple of jobs, and I was very unhappy with them. And the studies themselves, I have to say, weren’t exactly easy. I’d never studied before; it was business administration back then. Was it fun? Yeah, I don’t know. I’d say it was very demanding. I learned a lot. Whether I actually learned anything essential for my professional life is another story.

Expectations in studies and in the workplace

But I have to say, at that moment I also had the feeling that I really didn’t want to be doing the exam period right now. Why am I even doing it? I only do it if it makes my parents happy, so to speak, shifting the blame for the situation, or in my first jobs. My boss gives me such stupid tasks. I really don’t want to do it. So maybe you’ll see each other again here and there in these individual topics or situations.

Back then, I was actually wired in such a way that I tended to blame others for a lot of things. I didn’t realize at the time that I was fully responsible for my own situation. I made certain decisions that led me to where I am now. No one forced me to do anything; we live in a free country, we can freely decide what we do. And all the small decisions I’ve made throughout my life have led me to where I am right now.

Recognizing one’s own role in decisions

And at some point, I realized that it makes no sense to constantly shift blame. If I’m in a situation—whether it’s in a professional context, a relationship with another person, a partnership, a friendship, any situation I just don’t want to be in—then I am entirely responsible for it. I can’t shift the blame onto someone else. I can’t say, “It’s your fault I don’t want to be in the mood for this.” At some point, I realized it’s entirely my own fault.

I recently had a discussion with a friend of mine who’s going through relationship problems, and at one point he said, yes, he’s partly to blame, but his partner is also largely responsible. And I told him that while I understand his point to some extent, at the end of the day I firmly believe that you are ultimately responsible for how you behave, for what you have said or not said, done or not done, in the relationship over the years.

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So, I’m convinced that no matter what happens, except for natural disasters and such. But I think you understand what I’m getting at: no matter what happens, you’re really responsible for the situation you find yourself in. I still occasionally find myself in totally unpleasant situations, completely out of my comfort zone, and so on. And the only thing I tell myself in that moment is, “You’re to blame.”

Yes, you are responsible for it yourself, in the sense that it could turn out to be something positive, but it could also be something negative. You are responsible for the decisions you made. No one forced you to decide the way you did. You are responsible for your current situation, both positive and negative. This has helped me tremendously to deal with many issues, with many things in my life, in a more relaxed way. When I talk to other people about it, they say, “Yeah, yeah, it can’t be that you’re responsible for something.”

Why responsibility can be liberating

That’s such a burden! Honestly, I find it incredibly liberating, even mindset-wise, to know that it’s my own fault. Giving others the power to decide how I feel feels much more oppressive and stressful than saying, “Yes, I was in control of it, and the situation only came about because of my decisions.” So, for me, it’s incredibly liberating and relieving to know that the responsibility lay entirely with me.

It’s always interesting; no matter who I talk to, I always get pushback. No, you’re not always to blame. I have a completely different opinion, and I’m honest about it. Knowing that makes me much happier and allows me to go through life much more relaxed makes me much more at ease. I’m responsible for what’s happening in my life right now. That’s one thing. The other is about your own wishes, goals, and visions for yourself and your future. I’ve noticed something. It’s actually true.

Take charge of your own goals

This might sound strange, but no one will actually help you with it. In this case, that includes me. No one will help you achieve your goals, your dreams. It’s entirely up to you. What do I mean by that? I think everyone understands that you can get help here and there. But no one is going to stand by my side all day, helping me, for example, to build my company. Or helping me to exercise. Or helping me to pursue certain things that are important to me, hobbies, or whatever.

I have to do it myself. Of course, I have friends, partners, and so on who support me here and there. But in reality, no one comes along and says, “Hey Reza, you know what? I think it’s so important. I’ll help you so you can achieve your goals.” That might be for an hour a day, or an hour once a month, or whatever. But it’s not like someone is there all day helping you realize your vision, your goals. Now, you could say, “Yes, that’s true if you have employees and so on.”

Help, reciprocity, and personal initiative

Yes, I do pay them so they can provide a service, so they can help me. I’m talking about real, genuine help in the sense that someone comes without expecting anything in return and helps me all day to achieve my goals. And at some point, I don’t even know why it happened to me back then. There was a time when I thought, surely someone must see that I’m working on something amazing. That I have enormous potential. Surely someone must see it and then approach me.

Then I get discovered, and then I get help to achieve my goals. Certain situations have occurred. I remember my startup days. Of course, back then we also had an investor. Basically, he helped me achieve my goals. But naturally, he also wanted a stake in my company. So it wasn’t entirely free; there was a separate agenda behind it. If I achieve my goals, he gets his corresponding share.

But I truly realized that there’s hardly anything in life without something in return. And if I have goals and visions, then I have to make them happen myself. I can’t expect anyone to come along and rescue me and help me. And I have no idea what they’ll do to help me achieve my goals. It’s entirely up to me to achieve my goals. And I definitely want to pass this mindset on to my kids. So they know, of course, Dad is there, he’ll always help them, Mom is there, she’ll always help.

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But at the end of the day, they have to have the mindset that they themselves must achieve their goals. Through the necessary work they have to do, through the time and energy they have to invest, and so on. That really helped me understand eventually. As far as I’m concerned, I’m completely on my own and have to figure out how to reach my goal myself. No savior is going to come and help me achieve my goals. I have to do it entirely on my own.

And the third thing, and I think this is the most controversial issue I have with those around me, is a discussion. I can’t have these kinds of discussions with just anyone because I get a lot of pushback. This third point is, from my perspective, an interesting topic that I became aware of some time ago. And probably many of you listening right now won’t agree with me at first. But maybe, if you then adopt a different perspective, maybe you’ll think, “Ah, maybe Reza was right after all.”

A personal view on feelings

And I’m now firmly convinced that nobody really cares how I’m doing. I’m absolutely convinced of this—not just to myself, but I also always tell my friends who, for example, say they’re going through a tough time and then tell me, “Ah yeah, Reza, I’m not doing so well right now,” and so on and so forth. I listen to all of that, then give my advice, and then at the end I really want you to know one thing: I’m your friend, I’m listening, I’m happy to help, but you also need to know…

And I mean, that’s not bad at all. As soon as we end this phone call, or when we meet, as soon as we walk away from each other, ten seconds later I completely forget about your problems—and I really don’t mean that in a bad way—I forget about your problems entirely and am back in my own world, with my own challenges, my own problems, and so on and so forth, and I completely forget what problems you have. And I’m always aware of that myself.

Talk about problems and take action yourself

For example, I try almost never to complain or talk about problems too much because I know perfectly well that I have to deal with them myself first. But if I do talk to someone about it, I’m fully aware that after we’ve ended the phone call or left each other, the other person, no matter how close they are to me, doesn’t really care anymore because they’ve retreated into their own world, dealt with their own problems, and their own challenges. And then there’s no room in that person’s mind for my problems; of course, everyone has to decide for themselves.

I don’t care what challenges other people are facing. I have my own challenges; I have to take care of my family, I have to take care of my job, and so on and so forth. This mindset really dawned on me a while ago. Basically, nobody cares how anyone else is doing. Everyone is only concerned with their own problems. No matter who I talk to about it, I always hear “no,” “that’s not true,” and so on and so forth. Then I tell them, “Yes, but honestly, if I’ve told you about problem ABCD, how often do you think about my problems each day?”

What remains of a conversation in everyday life

And then comes an honest answer, well, actually, not really. Maybe I’ll remember it sometime, yes, Reza told me that, but it doesn’t really matter, because I actually have other problems, and that’s exactly the point I want to make clear. I think you have to be aware of it. It’s good to talk to other people about it, but for me, it’s incredibly liberating to know that others aren’t really interested. Of course, they help me with little things, encourage me, and so on and so forth.

But at the end of the day, nobody cares about other people’s problems. That’s also a bit of a relief for me when I talk about content production, like the podcast. I used to worry a lot about what other people would think if I said something that wasn’t right, and so on. Until you realize, well, they might briefly think, “Reza, weirdo,” but that’s just how it is.

And that was it. So, for me, it’s incredibly relieving to know that I’m essentially alone with my problem and have to solve it myself. And of course, people are listening to me, but in the end, it doesn’t really matter. Anyway, in today’s podcast, I wanted to talk about three really interesting insights that I’ve become aware of in recent years. The first was that I am fully responsible for my own situation.

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All the decisions I’ve made in the past have led me to where I am now. No one else is to blame. This mindset is incredibly liberating for me. The other thing is, no one is helping me realize my wishes and dreams. If I want to achieve my wishes and dreams, then I have to put in the effort, the work, the energy to get there. No one is going to come along and say, “Hey, I’m going to take care of everything and you’ll achieve your goals now.”

And the third thing is, actually, nobody really cares how I feel. I have to deal with it myself. I can complain all day, I can tell everyone all day how awful everything is, but nobody really cares. And why do I do it, why do I put myself through this and spread this negativity instead of using the time to develop a more positive mindset? Great, guys, I’d really love to hear what you think about these three points.

Therefore, please send me your feedback to helloatprojectmindset.de. I promise I’ll reply. It would be incredibly interesting for me to understand your thoughts and perhaps have a discussion with you. That’s all for today’s episode. I hope to hear from you again soon, and until then, don’t forget, mindset is everything.