112. What if I don’t know my own “why” and my North Star?

Hi everyone and welcome to Project Mindset, the channel for all those who know for sure that with the right mindset, anything is possible. Interestingly, around Christmas time and also in preparation for the coming year, I’ve actually heard a question quite often, most recently a few days ago from a good friend of mine. We were in the car on the way to an event. And he asked me, he doesn’t quite know where—well, to put it a bit differently—he doesn’t quite know where his North Star is.

So, he doesn’t really understand what his “why” in life is. He’s comfortable with his job and everything, but he doesn’t know what his passion is, where he should focus, why he’s doing all of this. I actually get asked this question quite often, not just occasionally, but people actually think I have a Project Mindset podcast and know what the meaning of life is. I really don’t know, but one thing I’ve encountered quite frequently is that people ask me where my guiding star is, what my “why” is, how I should deal with not knowing my “why.”

The question of one’s own focus

I don’t really enjoy anything one hundred percent; I enjoy this a little bit, I enjoy that too, but I don’t really know what to focus on. It’s hilarious that so many people are actually grappling with this question. I think we’re constantly told in our daily work lives that we need some kind of guiding principle. From my perspective, it’s because it makes working together easier. If I have a consulting firm, for example, then that’s my guiding principle.

I want to give my clients the best advice. I want to provide the highest quality service. If I own a product company, that can be my guiding star. I want to be the product in that niche, and also the best product. I understand the logic behind that, so everyone is pulling in the same direction. But with personal guiding stars or personal “why,” it’s not so easy to define, in my view, as it is in a professional context, for example. And why is that? In my opinion, it’s simply a matter of how we’re programmed.

Start, goal, and the openness of life

We’re programmed to believe that everything has some kind of start, end, or goal. In recent podcast episodes, I’ve occasionally touched on the topic of finite games versus infinite games. We’re used to playing by the rules, whether it’s in sports, like a 90-minute football match where the winner scores the most goals. University studies, for example, last three to five years. The goal is to get a degree, and so on. We’ve always learned that everything has a starting point and an ending point.

The rules of the game are known, and you win when this and that happens. But in life, it’s typically not that simple. It’s far too complex to be simplified. Personally, I’ve discovered, for example, that over the years I’ve had different guiding principles, or rather, different “whys” in my life. There was a phase, for instance, when it was important for me to give something back to my parents. That’s still true today, but I wouldn’t say that’s my absolute guiding principle.

Why was it important to me? We came here from Iran. My parents gave up so much so that I, along with my sister, could have a better future here. And so it was important to me to give them back as much as possible, to achieve, to perform, to study, to work, and so on and so forth. So that my parents would truly feel it was worth it. That it was worth it for them to come here, to give up so much in their private lives, so that their children could have a better future.

How priorities change with children

This guiding principle really changed drastically. When I had kids, that became my sole focus. Okay, I want to be a great father to my kids. I want to take care of them. I want them to feel safe and secure, to build a wonderful home for them with my wife, and so on and so forth. In other words, my focus shifted from being a parent to being a child, and that happened very quickly. So, with the birth of my children, everything changed completely.

And I know for sure that when the children eventually stand on their own two feet and are independent, and so on, my guiding principle will probably change again. And that’s what I actually tell most people: I wouldn’t get so fixated on saying I need a guiding principle to function well in life. Rather, my mindset is that I know perfectly well my guiding principle can and will change over time.

Continued

Having a guiding star brings numerous advantages, and I’ll be completely honest about that. It provides clarity, for one thing. We all understand this in our professional lives. We want to be the company with the best customer support. Okay, so we do everything we can to ensure perfect customer support. In our personal lives, it’s obviously advantageous if I know my guiding star is, for example, being an entrepreneur and being a great entrepreneur. Then I’ll invest everything I possibly can in that direction. The disadvantage, however, is that—and perhaps you can already tell—you neglect other important things in life.

For example, if I say my guiding star is to be the perfect entrepreneur, which is inherently impossible, but let’s assume that’s my guiding star, does that mean I might completely neglect my personal life, my friendships, family, and so on? In other words, having a guiding star doesn’t only bring advantages. To be perfectly honest, it’s certainly nice for clarity. At the same time, it’s possible that you might even be lying to yourself about what your guiding star actually is, or you might simply be wrong because you didn’t know at the time.

Don’t commit to the wrong goal

Then there’s the danger of focusing on the wrong thing for an extended period, and perhaps even feeling a bit disappointed afterward that you’ve been fooling yourself all these years. I truly believe that this is a thing. We’ve also talked about self-sabotage here and there in the podcast episodes, or rather, about not being entirely honest with yourself. And that can certainly happen if you’ve somehow decided for yourself, “Hey, this is my guiding star.”

For the next few years, I’ll be chasing after something, and I’ll really believe it’s my guiding star. But maybe at some point along the way, I’ll realize, no, that’s not actually my guiding star at all. And the things that were important, or even more important, I didn’t focus on at all. So, to summarize again: I think we all want a guiding star because we’re programmed, or rather, we’ve been programmed, to chase after something.

You need some kind of goal in life. You have to do something. That’s what I told my buddy about the car, too. I wouldn’t take it all that seriously. Of course, I’d like to have that great North Star, but I wouldn’t base my happiness or success on it. Instead, I can say to myself, “Hey, knowing that your North Star can change in three, four, or five years, I might just set myself a goal that popped into my head.”

Trying new things and gaining experience

I’ll do it for two or three years, or whatever. And if it doesn’t work out, that’s perfectly fine. Then I’ll focus on something else. And I’ve actually had this experience quite a few times in my life. Five years ago, for example, I hadn’t even considered doing a podcast. Like, it was completely off my radar. And now, after five years, it’s a huge part of my life, a really important part of my life. And if I had focused back then on thinking, “I have to do this and that now, because that’s my guiding star,” then I might not have discovered it or realized it at some point.

Yeah, making podcasts is actually super fun for me. And I should really give it a try. So, if I can share one thing with you today, just before Christmas, it’s this: don’t get stuck in your ways. Why not find your North Star? I think it’s great, of course, if you have a certain goal in mind, a vision. But it’s absolutely fine if you don’t have a vision, but instead say to yourself, “I’m going to try something out for a few years.”

The direction may change.

I’ll just go in this direction. I’ll see if I like it. And then I can always switch gears and move on to something else. Without having given it much thought. Hey, that was my big life plan. I wasted so much time on it, almost. And now I haven’t achieved what I actually wanted. Or maybe it wasn’t even what I actually wanted. And now I have to start all over again. So I think that would be the worst-case scenario in this case, that you blame yourself.

I had a North Star. But it was the wrong one. And now I’m kicking myself for wasting so much time in the wrong direction. Great job, everyone. I hope you enjoyed today’s podcast episode. If so, as always, I’d appreciate it if you could leave a like or a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. That’s the only way Project Mindset can continue to grow. Thanks for listening. We’ll talk again soon. Until then, remember: Mindset is everything.