Accepting feedback: finding the gold nugget in criticism
How to handle feedback correctly, accept it, and grow from it. Project Mindset Podcast, Episode 3.
Introduction
Accepting feedback is difficult for many people, yet it’s one of the most important factors for growth in life. In the third episode of Project Mindset, Reza Mehman discusses why he considers feedback a “gold nugget” and why honest criticism makes the strong stronger and the weak weaker. He explains how different types of people react to feedback, why the Buddhist story of the two arrows helps in dealing with criticism, and why feedback from a partner deserves special priority. He also answers two listener questions about dealing with negative people and negative thinking after failure. This episode is for anyone who wants to understand how to not only tolerate feedback but actively use it as a tool for personal growth.
Summary
In one sentence: Feedback is like a gold nugget: those who pick it up and think about it instead of throwing it away will always grow in life.
Short summary: Reza Mehman explains why honest feedback makes the strong stronger and the weak weaker. Using the Buddhist story of the two arrows, he shows that while we have no control over the feedback itself, we certainly do control our reaction to it. Feedback from a partner, in particular, should be prioritized, as it often contains warning shots disguised as “I” statements that should be taken seriously.
Detailed summary: In this episode of Project Mindset, Reza Mehman explores the topic of feedback and why it should always be viewed as a valuable gold nugget. He describes different types of feedback recipients and explains why some people react defensively to criticism, especially in areas where they consider themselves experts. Using the Buddhist story of the two arrows, he illustrates that we control our own reaction to feedback. He places particular emphasis on feedback from partners, which is often phrased in the first person and should be understood as a warning shot. He also cautions against “fake gold nuggets”—exclusively positive feedback that can blind us to necessary improvements.
Context: Who, What, Why
Who is speaking: Reza Mehman, host of the Project Mindset podcast, shares personal experiences from his partnership, his failed startup, and his professional life.
What is it about: The presentation will cover how to handle feedback and criticism effectively, both as a receiver and as a giver. Additionally, two audience questions about negative people in one’s environment and negative thinking after failure will be answered.
Why is this relevant? Feedback is a key building block for personal and professional growth. However, many people react defensively to criticism and therefore miss valuable opportunities for further development.
Three key questions that will be answered:
- How can I accept feedback without immediately becoming defensive?
- Why is feedback from a partner particularly important, and how can I recognize warning signs in it?
- How do I deal with negative people that I can’t remove from my life?
Table of contents
- Introduction – Overview of the discussion and the main topics
- Summary – The core message in three versions
- Context: Who, What, Why – Background and relevance of the episode
- Topics and classification – An overview of the most important topics
- Key messages – The central messages of the episode
- Frequently Asked Questions – Answers to the most important questions on the topic
- Highlight quotes – The strongest statements from the conversation
- The full conversation – Read the entire episode here
- Keywords – Relevant keywords for the episode
- Names and terms – List of important mentions
- quotable passage – Directly usable quotes
Topics and classification
1. Feedback and the ability to accept criticism: How different people react to feedback and why openly accepting criticism is a sign of strength.. Keywords: Accepting feedback, ability to accept criticism, personal growth
2. Dealing with negative people: Strategies for dealing with negative people in one’s environment that cannot be avoided, through a change of perspective.. Keywords: negative people, change of perspective, social environment
3. Buddhist wisdom and reaction control: The story of the two arrows serves as a metaphor for how we can control our own reaction to feedback.. Keywords: two arrows Buddha, controlling reactions, mindfulness
4. Feedback in the partnership: Why feedback from partners should be given special priority and how to recognize disguised warning shots. Keywords: Partnership communication, feedback from partner, warning signs in a relationship
5. Fake gold nuggets: The danger of exclusively positive feedback, which blinds us to potential for improvement.. Keywords: positive feedback, danger, potential for improvement, honest feedback
Key messages
- Honest feedback makes the strong stronger and the weak weaker.
- Feedback is like a gold nugget: it would be stupid to simply throw it away instead of taking it and thinking about it.
- The first arrow (the feedback) hits you without your intervention, but your reaction (the second arrow) is entirely in your hands.
- It is particularly difficult to accept feedback in areas where one feels like an expert.
- Feedback from your partner should always be a top priority, especially when it is given in the first person.
- If your partner repeatedly says “I need…” or “I can’t take it anymore…”, these can be real warning signs.
- Not every gold nugget is genuine: exclusively positive feedback can blind one to necessary improvements.
- You don’t have to think positively, but you have to stop thinking negatively.
- When dealing with negative people in your environment, a change of perspective can help: Understand where their negativity comes from.
- The sandwich method (positive, criticism, positive) helps when giving feedback, but it doesn’t work for everyone.
Frequently Asked Questions
What does “gold nuggets” mean in the context of feedback?
Reza Mehman compares feedback to gold nuggets: Just as you would pick up a piece of gold from the ground and keep it, you should also accept feedback, reflect on it, and not simply throw it away. It is something valuable that helps you grow.
What is the sandwich method for giving feedback?
The sandwich method consists of three steps: First, you say something positive, then you wrap the negative aspect or the potential for improvement in the middle, and finally you end with something positive again. This makes criticism easier to accept.
What is the meaning of the Buddhist story of the two arrows?
The first arrow represents an event or feedback that affects you and over which you have no control. The second arrow represents your reaction to it, and this is entirely within your control. You can react positively and use the feedback, or react negatively and adopt a combative stance.
Why is feedback from the partner particularly important?
Because you spend the most time, and the most intense time, with your partner. Feedback from your partner is often phrased in the “I” form (“I need more attention”) and, if repeated, can be a warning sign indicating serious problems in the relationship.
What are “fake gold nuggets” in feedback?
False gold nuggets are exclusively positive feedback, which, while well-intentioned, blinds you to areas for improvement. If you only receive positive feedback, you become desensitized to the areas where you could still improve.
How do you deal with negative people that you can’t avoid?
Reza Mehman recommends a change of perspective: Try to understand where the person’s negativity comes from. Often, negative people have personal problems or challenges that explain their behavior. This doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it helps in dealing with it better.
What to do if you can’t shake negative thoughts after a failure?
According to Reza Mehman, it helps to change your perspective and ask yourself what you’ve learned from the failure. You don’t necessarily have to think positively, but you should stop thinking negatively. Even from a failed business, you can gain practical experience that others pay dearly for at universities.
Why is it particularly difficult to accept feedback in areas of expertise?
When you feel particularly competent in a certain area, criticism of it is quickly perceived as an insult. You feel attacked because someone dares to comment on your area of expertise. Yet, these are precisely the areas that often offer the greatest potential for growth.
Selected statements from Reza Mehman
“I see feedback as a gold nugget. If someone gives me feedback, even if I don’t feel like it at the time, it’s definitely something very valuable to me.”
“Honest feedback makes the strong stronger and the weak weaker.”
“The first arrow that hits me comes out of nowhere and I can’t do anything about it. But my reaction to the second arrow, I have complete control over that.”
“The truth, or at least the perceived truth, can be incredibly hurtful to someone in that moment. An important lesson learned for me: feedback can be very, very hurtful.”
“If your partner says something for the fourth or fifth time, ‘I can’t do this anymore’ or ‘I need this and you’re not giving it to me right now,’ then it could really be a warning shot.”
“Not every gold nugget is actually a gold nugget. If you only hear positive feedback, you become, so to speak, desensitized to potential improvements.”
“I don’t necessarily have to think positively, but I definitely have to stop thinking negatively.”
The full conversation
Welcome and thanks for feedback
Reza Mehman:
Hi everyone, this is Reza Mehman, and you’re listening to the third episode of the Project Mindset podcast. First of all, I want to thank you again for giving me feedback on the first two episodes. I will, of course, implement as much of the feedback I received as possible. I found it incredibly valuable. And as I mentioned in the second episode, I’ve noticed that the topic of mindset is very relevant to many people. They’re engaging with it. On the other hand, it’s a shame that mindset is mostly discussed or considered in private settings. Imagine if mindset were a topic or even a subject taught in schools. I think society would definitely be a bit more positive about it.
Audience question: How do I deal with negative people that I can’t avoid?
Before we get to today’s topic, namely gold nuggets, how to deal with feedback and criticism from others, and how to give criticism and feedback yourself, I would like to briefly address two questions that I have been asked about the first two podcasts.
The first question revolved around the idea that you are the average of the five people you hang out with. The specific question was: Yes, of course I want to hang out with positive people. I want to keep negativity out of my life. That means I don’t want to hang out with negative people. But what if one of these five people is family, acquaintances, relatives, related by blood, in-laws, or whatever, and I have no way of cutting off contact with that person because they are family, a coworker, or whatever?
That’s a very important point. I can at least address the issue of colleagues, because you’re not exactly flexible when it comes to cutting ties. You’re almost forced to get along with your colleagues somehow. You can’t just change companies, quit, or look for another job simply because you don’t get along with someone. Because I believe that in the next company, there’s a good chance you’ll encounter negative colleagues again.
Changing perspective on other people
And I can only recommend that everyone shift their perspective a little, to their colleagues, acquaintances, or relatives. I have a very specific example regarding colleagues. I once had one who really got on my nerves, like, really, really badly. And it was incredibly difficult for me to work with him; he was a truly negative person. But because of this one person, I didn’t want to change jobs back then—this was right after I finished my studies. So I had to think about what strategies I could use to get along with this person.
One day we had a meeting together and he answered the phone, which I already found rude. So, another reason why I didn’t like him. But on the other hand, I realized he was having an incredibly, let’s say, negative conversation. Like, “What’s the point?” and “Do we do it this way or not that way?” I don’t even remember what it was about. And in the end, he hung up without even saying goodbye. I also noticed at one point that it was his wife he was talking to. I found it incredibly negative, and almost appalling, you could say, the way they were communicating with each other.
Understanding the background of a behavior
It then dawned on me: Hey, it’s possible that because of these negative relationships in his personal life, he brings that negativity into his job. Of course, that’s no excuse for him behaving badly there. But on the other hand, I understood, wow, he comes from such a negative environment, he can only be negative. That definitely changed my perspective on him. I still thought he was a jerk, but knowing his background made me think he wasn’t so bad anymore.
I have another example from basketball. It’s the same there; I have my team that I play with, and if there’s a bad player on the team, I can’t or don’t want to just switch clubs. So I have to get along with them. There was this one guy, and we always had some pretty heated discussions. Sometimes I’d be a bit rude to him, and sometimes he’d be rude to me. And in a conversation we had privately, he told me that it was always really hard for him to come to practice because he’s kind of afraid of large crowds.
Greater understanding in joint training
When he told me that, I instantly felt guilty for even having snapped at him, to be honest, and I also understood that he might have been in a bad mood, but for him, just getting to training was already a huge challenge. So, if sport is important to me—I want others to be able to do sports too, if it’s important to me—then I should try to tone it down a bit. Even so, I still didn’t think he was all that great, but on the other hand, I understood his perspective, I understood where he was coming from.
So if you ever have to hang out with negative people – acquaintances, relatives, friends – and you have no chance of cutting them out of your life, try changing your perspective on why they are so negative in the first place, and maybe it will at least help you to cope with it a little better.
Audience question: How do I get out of negative thinking after a failure?
The second question I was asked was interestingly somewhat related to my own situation. I had told you that things didn’t quite work out with my startup in the end, and unfortunately, we had to shut it down. I had a lot of negative thoughts about it and had to come to terms with the whole situation. A key takeaway was that I didn’t necessarily have to think positively—a key takeaway from the last podcast: I don’t necessarily have to think positively, but I definitely have to stop thinking negatively.
And here’s the question: Hey Reza, my business also failed, I’ve racked up a lot of debt since then, and I can’t seem to shake the negative thinking because everything just went wrong. How can I even get rid of these negative thoughts?
It’s incredibly difficult, of course, to cope with a situation like that. I know how it is, and it’s always easier said than done to let go of negative thoughts. But what has helped me immensely with negative thoughts is telling myself: I’ve learned at least one thing from everything that’s happened, whether good or bad, especially from the worst. Specifically, from a business failure, I learned—as silly as it may sound—that I made a few mistakes, and the lesson learned is: I won’t make those same mistakes again. So that’s what I learned from it.
Finding a new perspective after failure
I told the person we were talking to that, too. I noticed he was slipping back into that mode: “Yes, but…” And so on. This “Yes, but I still have debts.” Yes, but it’s about changing your perspective. You can’t get out of the debt trap in this case with sheer willpower alone. But if you change your perspective—as silly as it sounds, for example, he’s started a business, which might not have worked out so well in the end. Many people go to a private university, pay €40,000, to do a business education like that.
You’ve now gained some truly practical business experience, and if you compare the costs, you might arrive at the same conclusion. Of course, this is a very simplified explanation, but please don’t underestimate the fact that you can also draw something positive from negative experiences. And that is, at least: Yes, I won’t do it in that format again.
If you have any further comments, questions, feedback, etc., please feel free to contact me. I’d love to talk about it and I promise to reply if you message me. I’m really looking forward to discussing it with you.
What does “Gold Nuggets” mean?
Today’s episode—are we coming now, or are we finally starting today’s episode? This episode is about how I deal with feedback, and I didn’t choose the title “Gold Nuggets” entirely by accident. For me, gold nuggets are like a gold nugget—if you picture it: there’s a gold nugget lying on the ground in front of you. Of course, you pick it up and put it away. It would be pretty stupid to just throw away such a gold nugget. And I see feedback in the same way, like a gold nugget. If someone gives me feedback, even if I don’t feel like it at the time, it’s definitely something very valuable to me. If the feedback is sincere, then it’s something very valuable to me, something I can say: Okay, I’ll take that on board, I’ll think about it, and…
You can find more episodes and personal insights at Project Mindset.
