115. Why “attack” is not always the best defense.

Hi everyone and welcome to Project Mindset, the channel for all those who know that with the right mindset, anything is possible. First of all, a huge thank you to all of you for listening so diligently. It’s a real honor for me that people even take the time to listen to me and give me feedback. A heartfelt thank you to all of you for your continued support over this long period. It means a great deal to me.

Thank you so much. Before we get to today’s podcast episode, I have another little story I’d like to share. It’s a true story, and not a very pleasant one, to be honest. I was recently at a business event with an acquaintance, and we were just standing around. It was almost time for the food to be served. I’ll explain in a moment why the food service is so important. Then some other people joined us. We had a nice chat.

Most of the conversations were in English. Then finally, we went to eat. The food was really great. There was a huge selection: organic dishes, vegan dishes, meat dishes. So there really was something for everyone. A super wide selection. So noticeable, in fact, that acquaintances didn’t immediately say, “Hey, we actually think it’s great that there’s such a huge selection here.” I’ll explain why that’s important in a moment. And then, as I said, we got the food, mingled again, and chatted with the other people.

An unsettling encounter at an event

And there was one guy there who didn’t get a plate. My friend asked him, “Hey, in English, you’re not hungry, don’t you want to get something to eat?” And he said, really bluntly, “I don’t eat white man ‘s food.” We all laughed at first. The person was dark-skinned, obviously from Africa or something like that. We all laughed at first, thought it was funny, but then we realized, no, I think he was serious.

And my acquaintance, like, “You don’t want anything,” he was like, “No, I don’t eat white man ‘s food.” Okay, then we all realized he was completely serious. There was this weird silence, an awkward silence at that moment. We changed the subject, we talked about other things. The person then went and got a plate, put some real quinoa, puree, and pineapple on it, came back, and started eating. And I was just thinking, seriously, how cringeworthy is that?

So, number one, plain quinoa is something no one in the world likes, nobody can tell me otherwise. And then adding pineapple, well, that sounds really strange at first. But anyway, everyone has their own taste. My point was, if someone else had said that, if a German, for example, had said, “Hey, I don’t eat Black people ‘s food,” or if someone had told me, “I don’t eat Iranian food,” then I would have felt personally attacked. I really thought it was outrageous; he was completely serious.

What a statement can trigger in a group

And he just blurted it out, even in a larger group where there were also Germans present. I didn’t know what to say at that moment. The discomfort was so strong that I simply left. I didn’t bring it up with myself because I don’t think you can change someone like that. But I believe we need to make it clear to many people that this kind of reverse racism exists and that it’s completely unacceptable.

Today’s topic isn’t white man ‘s food, but another Mainz-related one we’ve discussed before. However, due to a personal circumstance, it’s resurfaced in my life, and I definitely wanted to talk about it. It’s about emotions and emotional control. And I’ve actually noticed that the better you can control your emotions in some way—or at least, 100% control is obviously impossible—the more difficult it becomes to control them.

We also have many reflexive emotions. But if you can keep those emotions in check, control them a bit, weigh up how you should behave, I’ve noticed that these people are much more relaxed in life and seem to have a better handle on their main issues than others. And how I came to this conclusion is that I witnessed someone doing something. This other person always reacted very emotionally and said things that were really quite unpleasant.

Continued

And these two people were actually very, very close. And I noticed, yeah, crazy. I mean, I understand that a strange response came after being attacked. I understand that you’d attack back. What I don’t quite understand is, if you have such a close relationship, why would you say such harsh, really direct insults to each other, things that you actually said? I mean, you can’t take back what’s said.

And in my opinion, these are things that stay with you for a lifetime. Personally, I can remember the most situations where, for example, someone said something to me that deeply hurt me personally. And that situation, the whole setting, the surrounding circumstances, the feelings I had at that moment—I’ll never forget them, or rather, I won’t be able to forget them. That’s why I know for sure that, usually, if someone says something you don’t like, it’s more sensible to take a few seconds to pause before responding, or to gain some distance from the situation first and only then reply.

The Buddhist story of the two arrows

And we’ve already discussed this here and there in the podcast. We talked about the Buddhist story of the two arrows. It was pretty prominent in earlier podcast episodes, I’d say. But I’ll just briefly recap it. So, the story of the two arrows in life is about the arrows representing certain things in life. The first arrow, for example, represents something that happens to you in some way. In extreme cases, it could be an accident, for instance.

Something happens, it doesn’t have to be a big accident, just a small one, something happens, you hurt yourself, maybe even a little more than usual, and of course you feel pain, you cry out, for example, and then there’s a brief moment where you have time to think about your emotions. In that case, I start crying loudly or try to suppress the pain in some way. Perhaps not a good example, but I’ll give you another one: if someone says something really negative to you, really in attack mode, someone throws something at you, then of course—that’s the first arrow—something happens to you, and the second arrow is, how do I react to it?

The brief moment between stimulus and response

There’s a split-second window where, if it’s not a reflex action, you can briefly decide how to react. If someone says something stupid, awful, or whatever, I have that brief moment to consider how to respond, and that’s a time I want to use, a time I’ve actually learned to use, especially since having children. I’ve had to learn very hard that if something happens that I absolutely don’t like, I still have that brief window to think about how to react.

And I can really recommend that everyone consider this: if you’re personally attacked by someone you actually like, take a moment to think about how you’re reacting. Maybe you can simply say to the person, “Hey, what you said to me was really awful, I didn’t think it was okay at all, and let’s talk about it in a guru session.” Instead of immediately going on the offensive and hitting back or throwing whatever else at them, I can only recommend taking a second to yourself first.

My own mistakes and hurtful words

I myself, I must admit, have also experienced quite a bit, and of course, I’ve behaved badly here and there, when someone has said things to me that I’m not at all proud of today, quite the opposite, in fact, things I deeply regret. I had to learn that once something is said, you really can’t take it back. So I believe that if you say something bad in the moment, it gets burned into the minds of the people you’ve said it to.

So, my mindset tool for this week is actually to think more often about the Buddhist story of the two arrows, that if something happens that you might not have any influence over, someone else is having a bad day, says something to you that might not even have been meant maliciously at the time, but you take it very badly, that you take a very short time to think about how you react to it, especially when it comes to close people, family, close friends and so on, because I believe that’s when you need stress the very, very least.

Great guys, as always, a short Project Mindset episode. I hope you enjoyed it; if so, please leave a like and subscribe to the channel, because that’s the only way Project Mindset can continue to grow. We’ll talk again soon, and until then, remember, mindset is everything.