The two arrows and emotional responses: an archived Project Mindset post, originally published in 2021. Dates and roles reflect the original publication.
The Buddhist Story of Two Arrows
Why I believe it is possible to work on your response to an event.
This post follows a recent incident. While driving, someone suddenly cut across my right of way. I braked in time, so nothing serious happened. Normally, I stay relaxed about such things. I tend to assume other drivers may make mistakes. That may sound arrogant, but it makes me more cautious and less dependent on their skills.
For me, the matter was over. I did not want to honk, flash lights or gesture.
But the two people in the car ahead reacted furiously. With closed windows, I could not hear them, but I saw shouting and unfriendly gestures. That triggered me. I will spare you the rest.
What bothers me afterwards is not the incident itself, but that I did not respond as I would have liked. I wanted to remain unemotional. They behaved as though I had made their mistake. Instead of keeping my thoughts to myself, I got carried away and overreacted.
I should know better, remembering the mindset I have tried to develop over recent years. In theory, at least.
What the two arrows mean
I discussed this Buddhist story in episode 3:
- The first arrow is an event that happens to you: a difficult encounter, illness or something else unexpected. You cannot prevent it simply from having happened. Here, it was not losing right of way; I already expected driving mistakes. It was the others’ unexpected behaviour. I anticipated an apologetic gesture and received aggression instead.
- The second arrow represents the emotions and reaction that follow: anger, sadness or hatred. In my interpretation, I can work on this response. I cannot undo the first arrow, but I can try to choose a calmer response to it.
Practising your mindset regularly
I value the story, yet did not apply it. Between the first arrow and my response was a brief opportunity to choose. Instead, reflexive emotion took over.
This illustrates a point I often mention: mindset needs regular practice. Lessons need repeating and training.
I collect thoughts in my daily journal and review it regularly. Over time, it accumulates many insights. Like other learning, important realisations fade when we do not revisit them. I had not reminded myself for some time that I could influence my response to that first arrow.
If you work seriously on mindset, I recommend regularly revisiting what you have learned.
Being mindful most of the time offers limited comfort if a few situations undo your efforts.
The related podcast is linked below.
More in the Project Mindset archive (German) and the Reza Mehman Podcast.
