94. When stress becomes a constant companion: How to recognize imbalances early!

Hi everyone and welcome to Project Mindset, the channel for all those who know that with the right mindset, anything is possible. Before I get to today’s podcast episode, which is about stress—I think everyone can relate to that from time to time—I’d like to briefly share an interesting story. I recently had the pleasure of moderating an event where I guided the audience through the day, led various panel discussions, and spoke with guests.

And after the event, several people approached me and wanted to give me feedback on how I could improve in the future. They asked about everything from my posture, how I could stand more openly, to how I could better package my core messages and express myself more concisely, and so on and so forth. This surprised me a bit. At first, after receiving so much feedback, I thought, “Wow, wasn’t that as good as I thought it would be?” There was also a lot of feedback saying that the event was fantastic, and that’s when I noticed it.

How unsolicited criticism can be received

If I weren’t so confident, it probably would have had a negative impact on me because it really sounded like, “Yeah, Resa was okay, but you could definitely have done better in those areas,” and “Next time, I can help you,” and so on and so forth. It bothered me a bit in retrospect because, on the one hand, it was a bit salesy. I think the people were also perhaps involved in the business side of things, giving feedback on how the person could improve and so on for the future. It was a bit salesy.

Feedback and the lack of perspective

And the other thing I didn’t find so cool, to be honest, was that they didn’t even ask why I was doing something a certain way, or why I might have a different body posture at that moment, or why I might not have packaged the core message the way they had imagined, where it might have been so direct. Well, there could be all sorts of reasons, it could be something cultural, or something where I wanted to address the audience a little more, and so on and so forth.

Consciously contextualize criticism

But I received a lot of direct feedback, and what I actually wanted to say is that I think if you receive feedback in this format, you might not take it to heart immediately because it has perhaps become so commonplace to simply give negative feedback directly.

I often talk about using the sandwich method: first positive feedback, then constructive criticism, and then more positive feedback, all nicely packaged. But if someone doesn’t do that, and then two or even three people do it in one day, you shouldn’t immediately think, “Wow, I did that wrong!” Instead, you might think, “Well, maybe the people who approached me have some truth in their feedback, but maybe they just don’t know how to communicate with other people.”.

I found that super interesting and wanted to share it with you briefly before we get to today’s podcast episode.

When stress lasts for months

Because actually, I want to talk about stress. I don’t know why, but lately I’ve noticed that a lot of people are in a kind of constant state of stress. Whether it’s from work, because they might be doing a job they don’t really enjoy, or because they’re self-employed and there’s a lot of stress involved in building their business, or it could be in their personal life, or because they have personal projects. There can be all sorts of reasons. And I’m not talking about stress that lasts a day or two, or maybe a week or two; I’m talking about stress that lasts for months..

I’m noticing this more and more in my circle of acquaintances lately. I’ve also had periods in my life where I experienced stress lasting several months.

My personal formula for feeling stressed

And then I realized that there’s a kind of perceived stress that can have a negative impact on me. So, if I had to put the feeling of stress into a formula, it would be perceived stress plus a negative impact on myself. And the interesting thing is when I add another component to this equation. I often talk in sports analogies, like winning and losing, success or failure, and so on. If I want to be certain that I’ve done something really well, I’ve done a great job, then I would say—and let’s call that winning—I would say winning equals success minus the feeling of stress.

What success means to me

I’ll briefly touch on the formula, perhaps from previous podcast episodes. I like to have a few formulas here and there because they actually simplify my reality a bit. But I don’t mean to say I’ve won in my own right. I’m not talking about games or sports, but rather that I’ve won in some project or something. Then I define it as success minus the stress. And I would define success as the feeling of having achieved the right goal..

It’s also very important to pay attention to the right goal here, because sometimes you achieve goals that weren’t right at all. Instead, you end up working on something that later turns out wasn’t the right thing, and you should have been doing something else. Therefore, for me, success is the feeling of having achieved the right goal.

Consciously perceive negative effects

And the feeling of stress – now comes the interesting component: the feeling of stress, for me, is the perceived stress plus negative effects on myself, perhaps extending to others, to my health, to my family, and so on. And that’s the interesting part for me: when I say, for example, that I’ve finished a project in some way and consider that a success, I still look at the figures – not always, of course, but with particularly stressful projects – and subtract the feeling of stress from the results.

A project and its personal price

So I had the feeling that I was doing the right thing. For example, I was working on a project and I really did feel it was the right thing to do, and I even went beyond the goal line; everything was fine and dandy, and so on. But the perceived stress I experienced—when I was enjoying it—is usually relatively low. But let’s say that in this case, even though I was enjoying it, the perceived stress was incredibly intense, plus it had negative consequences, whether it was stress with my partner, or it had an impact on my health, like back pain, knee pain, or whatever..

So if these negative effects were so significant, then there’s a kind of imbalance in this formula. That means winning might be success, yes, but the stress was too great in relation to the success; then, according to this definition, I haven’t won.

Consider the effort alongside the result

That means I always pay extremely close attention to this, and I can offer this as a tip. So, if you’re working on any projects, whether personal or professional, whatever you’re doing, and you only have one goal in mind – to successfully complete this project – and you don’t pay any attention to the cost of achieving this goal because the perceived stress is extremely high, plus the negative effects on yourself, believe me. In the end, even though you successfully completed the project, you don’t feel like you’ve won.

The image of the Pyrrhic victory

I think there’s a really interesting saying from someone you might have heard of before, the phrase “Pyrus’ victory.” I find it fascinating. King Pyrus was a famous figure from antiquity, and in one of his many battles, he won a very important battle, but lost his best men. That’s how the saying came about: “One more such victory and we are lost.” The price of winning was extremely high; you’re practically facing utter ruin.

When important areas of life are neglected

And maybe you know this feeling too; maybe you’ve also ended something that was extremely important to you, or maybe you’re in the process of doing so. I know many self-employed people, many entrepreneurs, who sacrifice their health, their relationships, and quality time with their kids to make their companies, their own businesses, successful. But at the end of the day, if the stress, or rather the feeling of stress I’ve been talking about today, is so high that you’ve lost something valuable, for example, then you haven’t won at the end of the day.

Success and its visible costs

And I’ve actually seen many people, including incredibly successful entrepreneurs—sorry if I keep coming back to the example company. I’ve also seen many incredibly successful entrepreneurs of a considerable age, where you might say, “Okay, they’ve won.” But on the other hand, sure, their success was or is enormous, but you can see the stress they were under, you can even see the physical ailments they might have suffered. It’s simply not worth it.

Take imbalances seriously

So, if you’re currently in a situation where your stress levels are extremely high and you think you absolutely have to push through this project, I believe there are hardly any projects worth pushing through so hard that you end up a loser, for example, losing your health or something else important in your life. So pay close attention to that.

When one’s own wishes are permanently neglected

Perhaps one more thing to mention about what can also cause stress, and maybe you know the story of the grumpy old man; I talked about it in a podcast episode once. Something that can cause stress is also foregoing things you actually want to do. And the term “grumpy old man,” which I heard from another podcast, describes the following situation: It’s a family gathering, and the father is sitting at the table. The children are all grown up and have moved out, and so on. Everyone else is celebrating, but the father looks grim and grumpy. He does not seem happy at all.

The story of Old Grumpy Man

And the story behind it is that he essentially gave up his own desires his whole life so that others, for example, his children, his partner, and so on, could get ahead with their own wishes. He sacrificed his own desires and is now, as a result, a grumpy old man who can no longer enjoy life. So, he was essentially stressed because he had given up his own desires. That’s also a stressful situation that you might want to be aware of. But as I said, today I was actually talking more about the situation where someone is overstressed by their activities, projects, job, personal life, or whatever, and this continues for several months, and then it starts to have an impact on them.

To conclude the episode

Great guys, as always, a short Project Mindset episode. I hope you enjoyed it. If so, please give it a like and tell your friends, because that’s the only way Project Mindset can continue to grow. We’ll talk again soon, don’t forget, until then mindset is everything.