Shared happiness: an archived Project Mindset post, originally published in 2021. Dates and roles reflect the original publication.
Shared happiness: we rather than I
The “we rather than I” mindset offers a simple change of perspective in stressful moments. Reza Mehman explains why personal happiness matters alongside a relationship’s shared “happiness account”. Replacing “I have to” with “we should” can help when someone asks a favour on a busy day. The aim is a balance between personal well-being and shared happiness, with trust as the foundation in partnerships, families, friendships and teams.
Summary
In one sentence: Moving from an exclusively individual perspective to a shared one can strengthen relationships under stress.
Short summary: Reza’s personal tool is replacing “I have to” with “we should”. He believes this helps prevent couples, families and friends from drifting apart. Trust supports that shared outlook and the willingness to contribute to a joint happiness account.
Detailed summary: Busy days can make requests from loved ones feel burdensome. Reza reframes them through a “we” perspective. Partners need to contribute to shared happiness as well as their own. He draws parallels with workplace teams built on trust. The same principle applies to parenting and relationships with our own parents.
Context and questions
Project Mindset host Reza discusses personal development and happiness through an everyday relationship tool. How can we move from “I” to “we” during stress? Why does shared happiness matter alongside personal responsibility? And how does trust support both relationships and teams?
Contents
Introduction · Summary · Context · Themes · Takeaways · Questions · Quotes · Complete transcript · Keywords · Names and terms · Shareable passage
Themes
A change of perspective
Replacing “I have to” with “we should” can make a favour feel like a contribution. Keywords: we rather than I, perspective, relationships.
A shared happiness account
Partners contribute to collective well-being as well as their own. Keywords: shared happiness, partnership.
Trust
Trust underlies a sense of togetherness in families and teams. Reza refers to studies without identifying them in the recording. Keywords: trust, team performance.
Workplace parallels
People who support one another can achieve more together than isolated individual performers. Keywords: teamwork, trust at work.
Family and gratitude
Parenthood has deepened Reza’s appreciation of his parents’ investment and his wish to model mutual support for his children. Keywords: gratitude, parenting, togetherness.
Key takeaways
- On stressful days, try changing “I have to” into “we should”.
- Personal responsibility for happiness can coexist with shared happiness.
- Both partners need to contribute to their shared account.
- Exclusive “I” thinking can cause people to drift apart.
- A partnership can otherwise begin to resemble a flatshare.
- Reza argues that trusting teams handle difficulties better, even when another team’s individuals have stronger technical skills.
- A request for help can express trust in your ability.
- A shared outlook also applies to parenting and your own parents.
- Becoming a father increased Reza’s gratitude for his parents’ time, energy and love.
- He cites George MacDonald’s comparison of being trusted and being loved.
Frequently asked questions
What is “we rather than I”?
A shift from thinking only of your own burden to considering a shared purpose, especially under stress.
Why does a shared happiness account matter?
If both people focus only on themselves—or only one contributes—the relationship may lose its shared experiences and purpose.
How are trust and togetherness linked?
Trust makes shared responsibility easier. If “we” thinking feels impossible, Reza suggests asking whether trust is missing.
Does it apply at work?
Yes. He contrasts a team of isolated performers with people who trust and support one another.
Does this conflict with responsibility for your own happiness?
No. The episode seeks a balance between personal agency and caring for shared well-being.
How does it apply to parenting?
Modelling mutual support helps children learn to stand up for one another rather than becoming self-centred.
What does the MacDonald quote mean here?
Being trusted is a significant compliment. Reza does not fully agree that it exceeds being loved, but values its emphasis on trust.
What happens with exclusively individual thinking?
Couples can drift into a flatshare-like arrangement with few shared goals or overlapping activities.
Highlight quotes
“In that moment, I do not think only of myself. I think of us: we rather than I.” — Reza Mehman
“You have a kind of shared happiness account, particularly with your partner.” — Reza Mehman
“If you always think only in terms of I, you risk drifting apart.” — Reza Mehman
“Teams that trust one another perform better in difficult times.” — Reza Mehman
“When someone gives me a task, that is already a kind of expression of trust.” — Reza Mehman
“To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.” — George MacDonald, quoted by Reza
“Understanding the time, energy and love involved has made me more grateful to my parents.” — Reza Mehman
The complete episode transcript
Hi everyone, and welcome to Project Mindset, the channel for those who know that with the right mindset, anything is possible in life. Today is a short episode about a tool I like using, especially on days when I am stressed, busy and simply trying to work through my tasks.
You probably know those days. You have a lot to do, and someone you really like asks a favour. Of course you help, but you think: I have so much on my plate and no energy for this. Still, I will squeeze it in. In those moments, the task feels harder than usual.
A friend recently told me something similar. He was extremely busy when his partner asked him to do certain things. He was stressed and annoyed, but did them reluctantly despite not wanting to, and it put him in a bad mood. I use a particular tool in moments like that.
The shared happiness account
I think not only of myself but of us: we rather than I. I often say on the podcast that you should look after your own happiness and not make it dependent on other people. But that must not go so far that you become selfish or self-centred and relate everything only to yourself. There is also a kind of shared happiness account, especially with your partner.
It is not just about paying into your own account but into the shared one. Do not misunderstand me: I believe we must take responsibility for our own happiness. I have always been convinced that only I can ultimately make sure I am happy. Outside things may make me happy temporarily, but when I am alone in a room, I need to be able to feel happy myself.
From I to shared action
On busy days, when a partner asks for something and I do not feel like doing it, I replace “I have to, I have to” with “we need to” or “we should”. Why? Because I believe that thinking only in terms of I can lead partners to drift apart.
That can happen relatively quickly. You may technically be together but live like flatmates, with little overlap because each person only thinks about getting through their own day. Shared experiences matter. You are a team working on something together; replace I with we.
I see parallels with companies. Perhaps you have worked somewhere where everyone worked only for themselves. Outwardly, you were a team, but nobody trusted anyone else. Individual performance might be good while team performance was terrible. There are interesting studies, as I understand it, suggesting teams with internal trust perform better in difficult times than teams without it.
Trust as a basis for cooperation
Individuals in a low-trust team may even be more technically skilled, yet the team’s overall performance may be worse. Trust is also a basic principle in a partnership. If you cannot think “we rather than I”, first ask: do I actually trust my partner? Why can I not think or live in terms of us?
Why must I stay in an individual mindset? In parenting, I also try to teach my children that sense of togetherness and standing up for one another. Nobody wants to raise self-centred children. Since becoming a father, I appreciate how much time, energy and love goes into helping children become independent adults. That awareness has made me more grateful to my parents.
Gratitude towards our parents
When they need something—usually simple, such as fixing a computer or printing a letter—I gladly help because I think in terms of us. They cared for me for so many years. Even when I am busy, giving something back feels natural. Also, when family or close friends entrust me with a task, that expresses trust.
They believe I can do it. I would not ask someone if I thought they could never manage anything or would only do it badly. I ask someone I trust. In that context, I found an interesting saying from George MacDonald: “To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.”
Understanding trust as a compliment
I may not agree 100 per cent because being loved is still a very great compliment. But the saying highlights how valuable and lovely it is to receive someone’s trust. As promised, this was a short Project Mindset episode, simply about “we rather than I”. For me it is a useful tool on busy, stressful days when someone asks another favour. I try not to think selfishly or only about myself, but about us.
I hope you enjoyed the episode. If so, tell your friends and acquaintances, leave a review or a like. I would really appreciate it, because that is how the channel grows. Until next time, remember: mindset is everything.
The source transcript was generated automatically with Whisper AI and may contain occasional errors.
Keywords
We rather than I, improving relationships, happiness account, trust, team spirit, strengthening partnerships, perspective, relationship stress, parenting mindset, family gratitude, Project Mindset, Reza Mehman, togetherness, personal responsibility for happiness.
Names and terms
Reza Mehman, Project Mindset, George MacDonald, we rather than I, happiness account, expression of trust, team performance, partnership, parenting, flatshare, self-centredness, change of perspective and life hack.
A passage to share
“We rather than I” is a simple change of perspective for stressful moments. Replacing “I have to” with “we should” contributes to shared happiness. Trust supports togetherness in partnerships and teams. Thinking only in terms of I can cause relationships to drift apart.
More in the Project Mindset archive (German) and the Reza Mehman Podcast.
